5 doable steps to creating meaningful change

I’ve been talking a lot with clients about the challenges they experience in different areas of their lives and the frustration they often feel towards themselves when they think and behave in ways that don’t serve them, and that move them away from what they’d prefer to be doing.

This is a pattern with us humans that can develop over time into a belief that we’re just not good enough. We experience confusion as we want to change how we’re doing something but can’t understand why we’re not just getting on with it! Cue self-criticism and a feeling of powerlessness.

Listen in on my thoughts about how to make small, simple changes in different areas of your life that stack up over time. If you’d prefer to read, head down to below the video.

What makes you decide to see a psychologist? I mean it’s a big deal – you’re literally sitting down with someone you’ve probably never met before and opening yourself up, allowing yourself to be vulnerable and sharing what’s going on inside of you, what’s causing you pain, what’s not working for you.

It’s a really brave and courageous move. No wonder people often avoid doing so until they feel backed into a corner emotionally.

So, when someone first comes to see me, I want to find out all about their story, what their struggles are, and what has led them to make the brave move of coming to see me. And then we focus on what they care deeply about and how they would like their lives to be different. What would they like to change?

And this is where it gets tricky because us humans are creatures of habit. There are areas in our lives that we may feel quite desperate to change, maybe a relationship that was once close and loving, has now become distant and lacking intimacy, or you’re sick and tired of the inner critic or perfectionistic way of thinking that stops you from doing the things you want to do as they need to be perfect and that’s just exhausting. Who has the energy for that right now? Or you’re worried about your health and your food choices and how much you’re eating and the judgement you have about your body. But we don’t always succeed in our efforts often resulting in thoughts and feelings of confusion, frustration, failure, and hopelessness.

As someone who can be impatient and loves to do all the things and make all the changes all at once, I have realised after running into the same brick wall again and again that I have to start small if I want something to truly shift. Wanting change in your life and to have a different experience, takes time and effort, but it’s possible and truly worth it.

So, what does starting small look like?

Firstly, start with just one area or life domain: what do you want to change and why? What’s not working for you? How is this creating difficulty and maybe even pain for you? What have you done to try and ‘fix’ the problem previously? What worked and what didn’t? (Phew, that’s quite a few questions but if you’re serious about change, I’d encourage you to make a few notes on each one to understand what’s really going on).

1. Link the change you want to make to your values and the vision you have for your life in this particular area, e.g., Relationships or health. How will your life be different when you’re showing up in a different way? Remember you and I are 100% responsible for our thoughts, feelings, and behaviour. This is powerful, because it means that no matter what someone else says or does, you get to choose how you want to respond.

2. Now comes the most important step. Identifying thought obstacles! This is where you get to reflect on all the times where you’ve wanted to make changes in this area and not followed through. The reason why is quite simple: You didn’t know what to do with the thoughts that shut down the action you wanted to take. That’s because so much of our thinking is automatic. It’s habitual and we don’t even realise that we’ve had a thought that created an obstacle to following through.

   So, think about when you’ve tried to make a change in the past and what thoughts and feelings showed up and got in the way. Often, they can be quite simple like ‘I’m not in the mood’, ‘I don’t feel like it’, ‘I don’t have time’, I’ll do it tomorrow’. Other times, they can be a bit more intense ‘I’ve tried before and it hasn’t worked’ or ‘I don’t believe I can do it’, ‘I’ve failed so many times before’.

3. Once you’ve got a list of all those resistant thoughts, start to think about what you could tell yourself that would be an ‘upgrade’ of your current thinking. Remind yourself of why this is important and link it back in with your values in this area. An example might be: In an important relationship, you want more connection and love, but your partner is busy and doesn’t appear to have the same need as you do. I say ‘appear’ because how do you really know? Have you asked them in a loving and curious way? An upgrade of your thinking might be: ‘I get to choose how I show up with my partner and instead of waiting for them to give me affection, I’m going to give them a big hug when we first see each other at the end of the day and say’ You’re home, it’s so good to see you! How was your day?’ You do this because it’s what you value and it’s how you want to show up.

4. And finally, take action. Commit to showing up in a different way, whilst working on any thought obstacles. Be curious about how you can respond in a different, and friendlier way to your thoughts and then experiment and practice. See what comes back. Change a few things and continue practicing and experimenting. Tell yourself this may take time, but time is what you have. ☺ Notice when you set yourself up to believe you’ve failed by being overly ambitious about how quickly you ‘should’ be able to change. Can you let go of the urgency and unrealistic expectations for a quick fix?

If you’re willing to give yourself snippets of time to engage in this process regularly, you will start to change how you think and behave so that you show up in a way that’s far more in alignment with how you want to be living your life. Doesn’t that sound worthwhile?! 😃

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